Alright, folks – it’s been quite a while and I can’t say that not blogging has done anything good for my life, so we’re back in action, completely funemployed and making the most of it exactly 1 year post-buyout.

I decided that a roundup of 5 Things I Learned Being Funemployed This Year would make up for the, oh, 6 month hiatus. Should I give you six things? Okay, six.

1. You Can Get Free Therapy.
Ok, well, not entirely free, like, forever, but honestly – if you appear to be in serious crisis, nice people like social workers have an obligation to help you out even if you can’t pay (or say you can’t pay). And this is, like, really super helpful when you’re funemployed and feeling like you can’t go on another minute ‘cuz you just can’t believe the mess you’ve gotten yourself into/made of your life.

2. Babysitting. Pays. WELL. (aka The Illegal Economy Is Good For You)
If you are living in a big city where there are still asshole bankers taking home multimilliondollar salaries paid for by taxpayers, then there are some multimilliondollar families looking for smart, well-educated, desperate young people to take care of their snot-nosed brats for anywhere from $15-$20 per hour. Some families pay for health insurance and apartments, even if you’re not live-in. I know people making $800 per week with insurance as nannies. It’s a good job, trust me, I’ve done it and I’ve lived to tell the tale. Some of the kids are actually quite nice and relate well to adults. Also, if you’re enjoying the work, it’s quite easy to add value and make yourself indispensable to the family while still having enough time to write your memoir or blog or whatever during playdates.

3. Savings accounts, CD’s and IRA’s are good things. Make them now, while you still have a job.
Seriously. Nothing can replace a rainy-day fund. If you have a job now, I would seriously consider cutting back on Thai takeout in order to put that $20 bucks in an account for the inevitable day you get laid off or fed up and quit your stupid 9-5 (or 8-10 as it may be). You’ll thank me later. This is my Suze Orman moment for the day.

4. Food Stamps and Medicaid Are Good Things, Too.
Ok, so I know a lot of people who went on food stamps and medicaid this year. You have to earn less than $208.00/week (legally) in NYC in order to qualify for Medicaid (I think food stamps require a slightly less destitute form of poverty), but if you can get them, they’re actually quite the money savers AND Medicaid is more comprehensive than many employer-sponsored health insurance plans. Just sayin’.

5. LOST Is The Best Show On TV.
I spent my September 2009 watching Seasons 1-5 and have come to the unequivocal conclusion that yes, LOST is the best show on TV BY FAR.

6. You can sell knitwear online, blog and find a readership, learn to teach and then quit teaching because it really sucks, become a nanny/babysitter and have a part-time marketing job all in one year.
Because that’s what I did, and I have to say that I enjoy my life now more than ever. Yes, even more than high school. Well, maybe not really. But I do have better and more frequent sex now, and that’s got to count for something.

Valiente will spend the evening channeling music-makers who died or were born on July 31st; playing radio excerpts aired on previous 7/31s, and celebrating historic events with sound or music. Plus, you can pick up discount beer tix at the gallery, which can be redeemed next door at LES dive Home Sweet Home.

All the Deets:

Age of the Cake – an interactive exhibit with Mexican artist Lazaro Valiente

7/31 – 6 p.m.

Envoy Enterprises

131 Chrystie St

The perfect workspace:

In my living room. On the couch. Wearing gym shorts. Legs crossed. Coffee table pulled in tight. Glass of water nearby. And iTunes on full blast (today’s choice: the latest Phoenix album).

Ahh….

Ugh, OK – back to work now.

UPDATE: I forgot to mention that when I get tired of working, I can just fall back onto the couch and take a little nap. Oh, and the couch sits in front of the window, so great natural light and no wasted money on the electric bill. Ten points!

They’re much better at what they do. They have a fancy logo and T-shirts and a full staff of contributors and regularly updated content and, *gasp*, banner ads. We can’t even get our asses out of bed to update this site anymore. Plus, they host fun events where you get drunk for the small price of a piece of shitty PR swag.

Do you know how many pieces of shitty PR swag I have cluttering my apartment!?

One particular entry, written by former Jossip editor Drew Grant as a schedule of her typical day, really captures the quintessence of unemployment/”working” from home:

11 a.m.-2: Go to the bathroom, but only because I really have to pee. Bring computer in with me so I can recheck Facebook status updates and see if my friend from middle school is having fun being a PR exec for a liquor company. Gee, that sure sounds like fun…probably sucks though. Heat up some old pasta, get sick of waiting for the microwave to nuke and eat it half cold. Consider brushing my teeth but figure, day is half over anyway. Will brush once I smoke a cigarette. Get back in bed and blog some more.

Ugh, it really is a great way to live!

Okay, so we’re unemployed and yet we can’t even get our shit together to post on this blog?! Are we for real?! Yes, unfortunately, we’re for real. Being funemployed takes a toll on your motivation after a while. Just take it from our guest poster, CH! (Also, this is our 100th post!)

Our reader, CH, sent this to us by email. We thought it was a fabulous condensation of all our collected unemployed feelings as of late. I promise this had nothing to do with our laziness. We would have posted this whether or not we were sleeping 14 hours a day. Really.

On a temp agency application sheet, our reader CH wrote:  I am looking for an opportunity where I can create my own schedule (read: sometimes not show up at all) and continue to earn money (read: $65,000 annual base).

The sort of work doesn’t factor in my decision as long as it isn’t physical (though, I am willing to discuss homosexual pornography).  However, I am willing to explore options that may differ from my employment goal (i.e., filing, doing your errands, ego stroking, scheduling appointments, etc) as I am a fast learner and saddled with so much student debt that it is difficult to be picky.

Read the entirety of this guest poster’s blog after the jump.

YOU KNOW YOU’RE TERMINALLY UNEMPLOYED WHEN…You give up all hope on your job search.  After hearing that I was not “chosen to move ahead in the dental reception selection process,” I cried a little into my glass of wine, dusted off my diploma, and decided to explore the world of temp agencies.  Today, I wrote this narrative in the application for one such organization:

Please describe in 500 words or less:
(1) The type of opportunities that would interest you.
(2) Why you are looking (i.e. not satisfied with your current position,  just browsing the job market, etc)

I am looking for an opportunity where I can create my own schedule (read: sometimes not show up at all) and continue to earn money (read: $65,000 annual base).  The sort of work doesn’t factor in my decision as long as it isn’t physical (though, I am willing to discuss homosexual pornography).  However, I am willing to explore options that may differ from my employment goal (i.e., filing, doing your errands, ego stroking, scheduling appointments, etc) as I am a fast learner and saddled with so much student debt that it is difficult to be picky.

I am looking for work because there is a recession and it seems like the en vogue thing to do.  Also, I am unemployed.  It is said, in the field of economics, that one can be unemployed only if he is actively seeking employment.  Looking for work is the only way I can remain a member of America’s labor force and I am nothing if not a patriot.

You get up in the afternoon and WATCH The Office on Hulu.

And you get to drink beer, too! My choice today: Honey Moon, a Blue Moon seasonal special brewed with honey, orange peel, and both pale and white wheat malts. Yumm-O.

Those are "teach me" heels, as opposed to "fuck me" heels. Just so ya know.

Shit sucks.

Look, we know y’all might not be too into unions (assholes!) Some of our readers have expressed this to us in email form. But y’all gotta admit that $405 is not enough to live on (especially if you’re letting them take 10% “income” tax out of it. Puhleeze!)

We used to skip the protests ourselves, because we were working (read interviewing politicians, police and actors), but this time we’re gonna go, at least to document this lovely Depression 2.0 moment. Won’t you join us?

Thanks to our friends at the National Employment Law Project!

So if you aren’t having any luck landing another magazine job and going back to Wall Street just seems too depressing, perhaps you should put in an application for the “family business.” 

I don't think this is the mafia they were talking about.

I received a ”Job Search Evaluation” form in the mail Friday. It seems I’ve reached the halfway point of my unemployment benefits, and the government would like to know how I’ve been spending my time. The least they could have done was to include one of those little “No Stamp Required if Mailed in the U.S.” envelopes.

Runner Up*

1. Looking for a person to Solicit fire to obtain emergency board-up jobs. (Arsonist?!?)

*This post would have/should have won the top post of the day, but it’s located in Connecticut, not NYC.

Old Brooklyn nabe: 

No murders, minimal rapes, but quite a few robberies reported.

New Brooklyn nabe: 

A few murders here and there, increasing numbers of rapes reported, and even more robberies!

Reports prepared by NYPD CompStat Unit. Check out your neighborhood here.

New career alert: We hear the benefits are great, but there's a lot of turnover.

Thanks to @god for the job tip.

Brief overview: In a matter of 5 years this person managed to hold all of these jobs in all of these places – Public Information Writer (California), Nursing Assistant II (CA), Substitute Teacher (CA), Article Writer (CA), Anesthesia Technician (Chicago, IL), Law School Student (Chicago) Quality Assurance Technician (CA), Quality Assistant (CA).

Full resume after the jump.

Michael #######
9965 ######## Court
#######, CA #####
(###)-###-####
########@gmail.com

EDUCATION
University of California, Santa Barbara (UCSB), Santa Barbara, CA
Bachelor of Science in Biopsychology, December 2003
Bachelor of Arts in English, December 2003
GPA-3.88

EXPERIENCE

City of Oxnard, Oxnard, CA
Public Information Writer, October 2008- Present
• Worked with graphic artist to create Mayor’s 2009 State of the City Presentation and scripted talking points.
• Currently collaborating with graphic designer and web developer to redesign portions of the City’s website to increase interactivity and ease of public use.
• Assisted in creating and submitting several Federal Stimulus Grant applications for 2009.
• Create informational pamphlets, articles, and web content for public and internal use.
• Write talking points for Council Members and City Manager for public presentations.

Ventura County Medical Center, Ventura, CA
Nursing Assistant II, October 2008- January 2009 (concurrent with present job)
• Assisted in set-up of operating rooms for surgery and sterilized surgical equipment.
• Coordinated as a team with nurses and doctors to assist in patient care.
• Transported patients and delivered biological samples to lab.
• Maintained stockroom and ordered surgical supplies.

Ventura Unified School District, Ventura, CA
Substitute Teacher, January 2008- Present (concurrent with present job)
• Substituted for instructors, grades kindergarten through twelve.

Ventura Breeze Newspaper, Ventura, CA
Article Writer, March 2008- October 2008
• Interviewed local personalities and generated over forty human interest pieces.
• Attended area events and composed informative articles.
• Anticipated interest of area residents and followed-up on news stories geared toward these issues.

Northwestern Memorial Hospital, Chicago, IL
Anesthesia Technician, March 2007-December 2007
• Assisted Anesthesiologists in clinical care of patients.
• Maintained, troubleshot, and operated anesthesia machines and equipment.
• Cleaned and stock operating rooms in preparation for surgery.
• Provided support in emergency cases via on-call responsibilities.

Northwestern University Law School, Chicago, IL
Law School Student, August 2006-Febuary 2007
• Studied and critically evaluated cases and court documents and participated in classroom discussions utilizing the “Socratic Method.”
• Utilized LexisNexis and Westlaw to research and write briefs and memos.
• Collaboratively worked with classmates to generate solutions to mock-legal problems.

Volt @ Leiner Health, Valencia, CA
Quality Assurance Specialist, October 2005-May 2006
• Inspected and evaluated product for compliance with FDA standards.
• Reviewed manufacturing records for compliance with government standards.
• Assisted in inspection of factory conditions and warehouse facility for safety, cleanliness of work environment, and compliance with
manufacturing procedures.
• Tracked and coordinated testing of finished product and raw materials.
• Worked with government and internal inspectors to improve factory practices.

Kelly Scientific @ Baxter, Westlake Village, CA
Quality Associate, January 2005-June 2005
• Worked with various Quality Assurance, Product Stability, and Information Technology personnel to ensure that test result data was entered appropriately into a specialized computer database.
• Reviewed laboratory data for correctness and compliance with manufacturing requirements.

Kelly Scientific @ Pharmavite, San Fernando, CA
QA Assistant, August 2004-November 2004
• Handled customer complaints related to product (vitamins), and reduced average response time of customer complaints from over ten months to less than two weeks.
• Performed laboratory tests on product and kept detailed records of results.
• Researched and documented quality assurance concerns in manufacturing and wrote reports.
• Organized and maintained the stockroom.

I made $35 today!

Read on for today’s full adventure in funemployment, featuring wet socks, a midget and TWO celebrities:

First off, I had way too many books to haul from Brooklyn to Union Square, so I ended up using one of those blue carts you see old grannies and homeless people pushing around on the subway.

My homeless granny cart, filled to the brim with books.

This presented a problem for three reasons:

1.) It was raining. So there were lots of puddles.

2.) I was traveling via subway, which meant several flights of stairs. And I transfered to the L because of the rain, which meant even more stairs.

3.) The sidewalks in my ‘hood are very uneven and I definitely toppled over headfirst twice, once leaving my apartment and once right in the middle of the goddamn crosswalk.

(I apologize for not getting a picture of this. I was too busy trying to not get run over.)

So after I finally got to Strand and exchanged 40+ books for $35 (most of them were donated and immediately put on the $1 shelf), I decided to test my skills as a grifter. (It doesn’t hurt to branch out, find some new skills to list on the ol’ resume.)

Nicolas Cage as a grifter in Matchstick Men. Spoiler alert: The girl from White Oleander is conning his ass the entire time.

I had three publicist-issued, unopened TV on DVD box sets from back in my days of employment: Seasons 8 & 9 of ER and Season 1 of Rome. As much as I love TV on DVD, I never really planned on watching these shows. But they were free, so I took them home anyway.

And it all paid off as I made my way down the block to the (soon-to-be-closed) Virgin Megastore, where I put on my most sheepish grin and explained to the nice man at the checkout counter that I had received these DVDs as gifts and wanted to return them. (For store credit, of course.)

Five minutes later, I had a Virgin gift card loaded with $167.95. Twenty minutes after that, I had my very own copies of the first two seasons of Friday Night Lights, Season 1 of Gossip Girl, and the Criterion Collection release of Grey Gardens and The Beales of Grey Gardens. Coming to a grand total of $167.94.

$167.94 worth of home entertainment, for free? Priceless.

And I even spotted TWO celebrities while waiting in line: Danny Strong, who you might recognize as Jonathan from Buffy or Doyle from Gilmore Girls (yay WB!), and James Urbaniak, who I recognized as Simon Grim from Henry Fool, but he also has dozens of more recent credits.

Actors and apparent-BFFs Danny Strong (left) and James Urbaniak.

Now, don’t think I completely got away with this scam, though. I mean, I did get out of the store with no problems. But then karma kicked in, and I realized I’d lost my unlimited-ride MetroCard at some point. Which sucked, but it only had three days left on it anyway. And then this massively obese woman, who could have easily been a close relative of Mr. Creosote from The Meaning of Life, literally sat ON TOP of me on the F train. It was such a tight squeeze that even the nice midget lady (I know I’m not PC, deal with it) on the other side of her was pressed against the wall of the train.

But I still ended the day with $35 in cash and free DVDs. So karma can suck it!

We love Earth so much we want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant.

1) Print your resume on used paper, ‘cuz nobody’s reading them these days anyway.

2) Cut down your shower time from half an hour to a more modest 10 minutes… If you were planning to take a shower today anyway.

Gratuitous boob shot.

3) Turn off all the lights in your apartment and take a nap for an hour (or two).

4) Don’t leave the house. Save all that oxygen for people who are actually contributing to society.

5) Grow your own food on your windowsill or rooftop. In the 1930′s, people planted Victory Gardens. Michelle Obama planted one a couple of weeks ago, although she didn’t link it to the economy (the Obamas are nothing if not optimistic)! It’s the perfect time of year to start planting in NYC.

Yes, I set my alarm at weird times. Sue me.

It’s still perfectly acceptable to hit snooze approximately 13 times.

And now you're judging the fact that my alarm clock has a Ninja Turtle perched on top of it. Jeez, I can't win with you guys.

“Amazing grace, how sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me!”

“I once was lost, but now am found…”

“Was blind, but now I see!” Selah.

The story: Last night on my way back from lower Manhattan, I was sweetly serenaded on the 4 train by a most righteous funemployed musician. His instrument of choice? The plastic electric saxophone (sounds like a bassoon, since you asked). His song? Amazing Grace. You can send condolences to funemployednyc@gmail.com. I have video, but I spared you.